Building Healthy Friendships in Your Twenties
For those who went to college after finishing highschool, you understand the almost “built-in” friendships you might have gained while there. College is great because it provides many opportunities to meet people who might become lifelong friends, through clubs, living in the dorms, lectures and group work, part-time jobs you might have, and even just people you might meet while at the dining hall; there’s just people your same age constantly around. However, after graduating, you might feel like your bubble has now exploded, and your friends who were everything to you in those college years are now off living completely different lives.
Coping with this feeling is something I am still getting used to, and I’ve had to practically re-learn how to make new friends, as the last time I truly had to go out of my way to meet people and build relationships from the ground up feels like it was all the way back when I was just a kid.
Being in your 20s, for many of us, may mean being not fully settled in a specific place yet, and you might be miles away from your close friends that have been in your life for years. You might be moving around a lot or trying different jobs and hobbies, and it probably feels like you don’t have a community of support around you. I moved to Madrid last year, and I understand this feeling more than anything. I moved with two close friends, and, for a while, it felt like us against the world. I went to hiking club meet-ups, movie nights, evening drinks, run club, trivia nights, etc. etc. Unless I was truly exhausted or sick and needed rest, I tried to go to events as much as I could to meet others. This meant being in some uncomfortable and awkward situations to find the people we loved spending time around, and there were a lot of learning curves and disappointments along the way, and LOTS of people who didn’t stick.
But, we met so many great people too, friends that I enjoyed being around, and others I hope are in my life forever; if I hadn’t put the effort in with them and said yes to plans even in the times I was tired or feeling doubtful, they probably wouldn’t have stayed around. The friends will come, it just takes nurturing, effort, and time to make them stay.
I’m including some general advice/tips from myself and Shannon when it comes to making friends in your twenties. I hope you take these and run with them!:
Remember friendships can be for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Give yourself space to explore the potential of each unique friendship for you, and also be open to having different types of friendships come into your life for different reasons, phases, or seasons of your life. For example, some of your friends from college may have just been “college friends”, while others will grow with you beyond college. You also will most likely meet people in your 20’s who become friends you feel like you’ve had your entire life – be open to the possibility and beauty of that, too! It doesn’t mean forgetting the “old” friends, just welcome in the “new” too!
Adopt the mantra: “I go first”, especially inside of new or budding friendships. Be the one who initiates new conversations and also who reaches out first to plan things! Yes, we want our friendships to be reciprocal, but especially at the beginning stages, do not feel you need to wait for somebody to reach out to you. Be the initiator and activator of the potential new friendship! Assume somebody wants to hang out with you / get to know you and be brave enough to make that first step and get the ball rolling.
Dive into new experiences and join like-minded communities. This is going to be HUGE in helping you build a solid network of friendships throughout your 20’s – of people of all ages! Join a gym or yoga studio, go to some meet-up events, join a club around a hobby or passion of yours (like Toastmasters or Club Volleyball). Feel into various opportunities to be around healthy, open people and chances are this will naturally build your social circle and make you feel like you belong. Say yes to things! Even if you go alone and are nervous, realize there may be others in the same spot as you, and keep yourself open to the uncomfortable!
Embrace authenticity and vulnerability. People are craving REAL connections these days, especially in your 20’s when you’re questioning who you are and if you’re heading in the right direction in life so often, be willing to be open and honest with people around you! Open up about the challenges you’re facing, the dating experiences you’re having, and the worries on your mind – chances are, you are not alone. And by being open, vulnerable, and most importantly – your authentic self – you’re going to attract really awesome, authentic people into your life.
Grieving my lost friendships from my years in college, discovering the type of people I want to be around, then putting my energy into constructing these new friendships and organizing hang outs and attending get-togethers can, honestly, be exhausting; it can feel like hard work to find your people (and socially draining for the introverts out there, like me)! But, when you find the right ones, it won’t feel like work. You’ll know you’ve found your friends when making these plans and spending time together doesn’t feel socially exhausting, but exciting and fulfilling. Remember, the circle doesn’t have to be big, it can be tiny and mighty. Put effort into others, but make sure it’s reciprocated too!
Making friends and meeting people in your community can be a daunting experience, but it should also be fun! Yes, you might have to drag yourself out of bed to go to a meet-up or exercise class, but these things will pay off if you put yourself out there and be open to the people that present themselves. Become a master of small talk, truly take the time to know people and remember things about them, and have fun with it! People need people, so it’s worth it to take these little steps and put the work in to potential new friendships that may come your way.
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Blog Written by: Isabel Lopez
📷: Isabel Lopez
